I want to love someone so much I move overseas. That I start a business wih them. That I move in with them. That when they break up with me they physically break me. I want to love someone and have them love me so fiercely in return that it’s all we can do to turn away. I want. I want. I want. I want to be loved by someone so perfectly and I am so willing to fucking love. AND I’M FUCKING NOT. I fucking couldn’t. If they loved me like that I’d die. If I loved them that way and they didn’t love me, I’d fucking die. I want to be made real. I want to fall in love and mean it. I want to fucking give them everything. And I can’t. I just want to feel normal. And it sounds stupid and ridiculous. I want someone to fall hopelessly, madly, ridiculously, in love with me. But for me. And all of me. I want them to love me but I don’t want to give anything up and that’s not fair. That’s not ok, and it’s not fair. I want to love and be loved in return, but I want drugs and alcohol and strangers and friends and unnaccountable behaviour. I want to live and I want to be loved and I can’t and it kills me because I just want to stay home and watch a movie but I can’t but I can’t but I can’t.
I know what I want.
But I know what I can’t have.
Because of what I’m not willing to give.
Because I want the unattainable.
I look at these girls with their boys, and I wonder.
How am I single and they have boyfriends? How do they have someone and not me? How does she, of all people, have something I don’t?
Because they can give their shit up and I refuse. I fucking refuse. I will be my downfall, and I am. And that’s ok. But when you’re so ready to love it fucking kills. It fucking kills me.
I actually need that perfect boy more than anyone fucking knows.
But more than that, I need my perfect fucking self and I ruin myself. I ruin myself every single day. I wish these words made sense. I wish my brain would make sense. I wish I could just turn things on and off and grow up. I don’t need someone else to make me whole because I am, but I need someone else to make me stop.